❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
You Might Also Like
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.