The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
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*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
the rocks need my help
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me: