Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
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3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room