Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
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*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up