If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
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People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.