HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
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If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.