Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
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Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise