My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
You Might Also Like
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.