Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
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I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare