I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
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fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
You know…for fall…
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words