My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
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*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.