When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
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shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
what the
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs