“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
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Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.