They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
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I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Welcome to the stomach
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.