Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
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You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
giddy up Office Depot
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Good morning, Twitter x
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]