I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
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Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!