I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
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[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone