Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
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“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
peak technology
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK