[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
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Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you