My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
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The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
3% human
97% stress
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Brands during Pride
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.