I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
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We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”