I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
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Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
an airline just for babies.