Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
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“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.