Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
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[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Breaking news:
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Meme Monday.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do