I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
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Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!