My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
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My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Aaaa…CHOO!
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?