[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
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RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Nice try Hitler
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy