What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
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2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*