Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
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Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.