Facebook marketplace is a different world
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Bro what is this
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.