My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
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10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”