If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
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Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Thrilling chase underway
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…