I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
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Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
My dress code is business-casualty.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
sigh
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve