i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
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me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
the clam before the storm
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”