I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
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*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
secret recipe
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.