Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
You Might Also Like
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
you stereotypes are all alike
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?