2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
You Might Also Like
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.