Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
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[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
philosophical skeletons be like
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Happy thanksgiving
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.