Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
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[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.