The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
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“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?