Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
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Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”