When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
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[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
At least try to make it slightly believable
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Don’t talk down to me
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.