I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
You Might Also Like
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
What kind of a cult is this?
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.