BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
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Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement