“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
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Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”