I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
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*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.