AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
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I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.