You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you đź’Ş
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
absolutely not
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.