How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
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Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.