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Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
dads on road-trips be like
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.